Monday, January 23, 2006

Who am I?

I have trouble with my words
They don't seem to come out clear
but I want you all to know me
So I'll try
I
The time has come for me to start writing about my life. I have been reading various different blogs over the past few months and I feel like I am ready to start my own. Better yet, I need to start my own blog. It will be therapeutic for me. I am not a good writer by nature, but I will try my best.

A little background about myself: I am a frum Orthodox male in my mid-20’s. I have lived in Brooklyn my whole life. I went to regular main stream Yeshiva’s for elementary school and high-school and spent 3 years learning in a prestigious Yeshiva in Israel. So I’m your regular frum yeshiva guy...Or am I?

I graduated from Touro College a number of years ago, and I am continuing my secular studies, while working at the same time. So in addition to all the learning that I have done and continue to do, I’m also someone who has a career and indulges in everyday life. So I’m your regular learner/earner that looks so good on paper...Or am I?

I also have a good personality (at least people tell me that). When you see me, you will always be greeted with a smile. I have a good sense of humor. I am intellegent. I am good looking. I have good middos etc...I work, go to school, learn and daven daily, and always seem to be in a good mood...So I’m just a great overall guy...Or am I?


II

What is this blog going to be about? I will tell you. This blog will be about something that haunts me everyday. It will be about something that stripped me of my humanity. This blog will be about something that because of it I feel like I am a bad person and unworthy of any goodness in this world. Because of it I hate God and I hate myself. It makes me want to rebel and go "off-the derech". Becuase of it I am filled with a tremendous about of anger and rage. It almost caused my death. It causes me to feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame on a daily basis. It’s something that isn’t talked about much in the Jewish Community, even though 1 in every 4 children are victims of it. I need to unload. Now is the time...
This blog will be about sexual abuse. I will share my stories and struggles with you – for my sake.

9 Comments:

Blogger RuchniGashmi said...

Wow, I certainly am looking forward to reading more. You are a good write, by the way.

9:11 AM  
Blogger A Frum Idealist said...

One of the advantages about blogging is that it can be and generally is as anonymous as you want it to be.
Clearly you can see from reading some blogs out there, especially lately, that you are not alone. This is unfortunately NOT an uncommon occurrence. The problem is that people who are victims of this type of an attack are generally embarrassed to say anything. The fact that you stepped forward is highly commendable, and hopefully the first step in allowing yourself to be helped.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Jewish Survivors Of Sexual Violence said...

Thank you so much for sharing your life with me and everyone else. I really honor honesty, and your ability to speak from your heart. Just know you are not alone and there are a lot of people out here who will do anything to offer you support. If you ever need a friend you got one.

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Shalom said...

I'm the coordinator of the Religious Men's Hotline in Israel. I've asked all of the volunteers to read your blog. It's very moving and helps us cope to have a reminder of why we do what we do.

Shalom

5:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Angrysoul
my heart goes out to you
i really dont know what to say--
but i wish that this had never happened to u
i think its amazing that youre speaking out and trying so hard to change the reality that exists--i really cant even imagine what u go through-the fact that u are able to turn a happy face to society says alot about u-
u must be a great guy--
good luck and really stay strong-
if theres anything i can do --please let me know
i am a 19 yr old frum girl and i live in the same 'world' as u--its hard-its a tough world-really keep up the good work and may Hashem make everything else is your life get really really good!
love, me

1:36 AM  
Anonymous Dr. Asher Lipner said...

Hi. My name is Asher Lipner, and I am a psychologist working at Tikvah at Ohel. Among many other people we work with, I and others help survivors overcome the pain of their abuse. I want to tell you, angrysoul, that you are not alone. It is great that you are taking steps to get support and to help yourself. Unfortunately what you went through is a widespread problem in our community and the world at large. One of the types of support we offer at Tikvah is therapy groups of adult survivors of child sexual abuse. If anybody wants to, you can contact me at lipnera@hotmail.com. Please put something in the subject header to let me know what this in reference to, like "angrysoul". You can contact the clinic at 718-382-0045.
Asher Lipner, Ph.D.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too was sexually abused.

It led me in the end I believe to leave Judaism.

For me it was my first loss of innocence -- my first loss of pride. The beginning of the downfall. You know how it says in the Pirkey Avot (I believe) that a Good deed leads to a good deed, and an evil deed leads to an evil deed. In that same way, this event led to an entirely different outlook on my life.

Through the agonizing subconcious knowledge that my honor was trampled upon, I was vulnerable to depression. And when I was vulnerable to depression, I was vulnerable to sin. And when I say sin, I have in mind now primarily masturbation.

Ok. So first we have the effect of the depression, and low self-esteem. This of course would cause it to be difficult for me to be able to hold up my head before a girl -- to have a decent relationship of love. I think it's true to say that if one doesn't love himself, one can not love others or God.

Of course there were also doubts about whether I was homosexual -- what with all the talk about homosexuality being considered to be genetic and all.

Further, the masturbation took me over. It dried me out, and took out my passion. It was my way of both coping and also to fall back into that pit of depression. All of these years. Many many years of the pits and the high's. It's amazing how much a person can suffer.

But yet, throughout it all, as deep as I was, in the same proportion I yearned for something greater. And this is why I am almost out of the pit now.

Sort of like a spring -- you push it down really hard, and it will push back with the same force!!!

There are my thoughts. Thank you for your blog -- the spirit of your blog prompted my words here. Thank you.

8:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel you,
i to was a victim,but thank god a friend of mine saw what was happening and he told the principal.The abuser was afraid to get close to me again but the principal did not do anything and quite a few kids were abused by this guy.

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a concerned parent and I take your words very seriously - sorry for your pain. I have young boys - how should i protect them - besides telling them no one is allowed to touch them etc...

10:35 PM  

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