Tuesday, January 31, 2006

My Immortal

Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. It was only lanyard!!! It’s not like it was a rope or something. I could’ve broken free and ran if I really wanted to. Lanyard is real easy to rip, especially when you are afraid for your life. But I didn’t. I gave in. I let this man do as he pleased. Why? I must have really wanted it. It wasn’t against my will. I must be a bad person. Let me explain…
He had the coolest car. He would drive it around camp to impress all the young campers. As Rainman would say, he was an “excellent driver”. He had two special talents when it came to driving. One was that he knew how to drive really really fast. Just like me, he was known for his speed. I used to be able to run really fast (I guess you can say that I needed too) and he used to be able to drive really fast. It was a common practice of his to drive well over 100 mph on the curvy and dangerous country roads. After all he was the coolest guy to ever walk this planet. Nothing could stop him, and no one was able to get in his way (I will discuss his second talent later).
Hey, you want to go for a ride with me in my car, he asked? It’ll be a lot of fun. We’ll go to this special area in the country that I found, that no one else knows about. There will be no cars around. That way we will be able to go over 100 mph down a really curvy and dark road. It’ll be a real thrill! I can’t say that I agreed, but somehow he understood that I was too afraid to tell him no.
So he and I snuck out of camp one night after curfew. I got to sit next to him in the front seat. What an honor! He was driving really fast. With the windows open he put on some really loud music too. He was singing together with the music. He was singing to me..."And here's to you Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know" ...The car was hopping...What a thrill for a 19 -year-old who is still excited about the newness of driving, especially in the country where the roads are more dangerous. But for a 10 year old camper?
As he was driving me around, impressing me with his knowledge of all roads and all the shortcuts etc…I realized that he had another special talent when it came to driving. He was able to drive with only one hand on the steering wheel. His other hand was down my pants...
I was sort of used to this behavior by now. It was a common occurrence for the past two summers. It was what happened next that made “this night different than all the other nights of the year.”
He stopped the car. He had a serious look on his face. It was scary. What was going to happen next? He already molested me. He had his fun for the night, so what else could he want from me. Apparently I was wrong again.
We walked together into the woods (“va’yelchu sh’nayhem yachduv"). Abuser and I were in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the woods. All I could hear was the howling of all the wild animals that lived where we were. It wouldn’t have surprised me; at the time, if he told me that he was going to feed me to the wolves. I may have actually preferred that. I guess I was relieved when he told me that we were just going to play an innocent little game.
He picked a tree for me to stand near. He told me to close my eyes...I guess we were going to play hide and seek, I thought. That could be a little fun to lighten up my living nightmare. But that thought quickly ended when he took out the lanyard that he had in his pocket...Lanyard, huh? What was that for ("ayeh ha’sea le’olah")? My question was answered when he started tying my feet together. My hands were next. Apparently, I was going to be the sacrifice. He took out his red Swiss army knife and cut the lanyard and made a few tight knots. Whatever was about to happen i didnt know, but it seemd obvious that he knew i might not like it. So he tied my feet and hands real good so i could'nt escape the inevitable. My soul had already been killed last summer, but now I felt my heart die too. I thought that somehow at the end of this night I was going to literally die. I completely shut down. My mind turned off and my body went numb…
I can’t remember what happened after that. My next memory was being woken up by my counselor (and hearing all the annoncemnets being made over the loudspeaker)...Good Morning! It’s time for Cocoa Club...Don’t forget to say Modeh Ani...We all have to thank God for giving us another day of life…But I’m a little tired, I had a long night, I said… C’mon, hurry up get out of bed you lazy bum – davening is in 25 minutes…I watch everyone get out of bed. Some go to cocoa club and others sleep a few minutes later. My friends wake up with smiles looking forward to another fun and exciting day of camp activities, while I think about how ironic it is that today is Rosh Chodesh Av, the beginning of the nine days. I watch some of my fellow campers get out of bed and start to put on their yarmulkas and tzitzits over their t-shirts.
Hmmm…makes you think about God.


Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Do you know who this guy is?
If I were you I'd track him down and hang him by his balls in middle of 13th Ave..

11:09 AM  
Blogger A Frum Idealist said...

Part of me is afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing, but I will speak from the heart.
I feel for you. I really do.
The first thing that you need to realize is that you were not only sexually abused, you were physically, mentally and emotionally abused as well.
You were 9-10 at the time. A child. That monster was an adult.
You cannot say that you went along willingly. Your mind was no longer your own. He was manipulating you.
rashi on the pasuk you quoted says yachdav means that Avraham knew what was going to happen and Yitzchak didn't, yet they both went together as one, with one mindset. I know you THINK that applies to you as well, but in reality, you were not acting on your own.
Remember one thing, this was NOT your fault. Had you ran he would have caught you. Had you broken free he would have re-tied you.
This was NOT your fault.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

OY, disgusting!

Please remember what idealist said. It's Not your fault.

4:49 PM  
Blogger nobody28 said...

I am crying for you.... I am so sorry. I really don't know what else to say...

It makes me want to lock my kids up forever....

8:08 AM  
Blogger stupidFrigginMoron said...

summer of '69 is just the title of the blog entry, not the year that this took place. In case you haven't noticed yet, every entry by angrysoul has begun with some lyrics from a song that angrysoul feels would be a good way to introduce the mood for thatentry. Do the math - in Who Am I we learn that angrysoul is in his mid 20's. We know this began taking place when he was nine. That means the earliest this could have been happening was 11 years. According to my calculations, we are holding in the year 2006 l'minyanam. Is this enough or do I have to do the subtraction for you also? Good thing you keep your comments anonymous. Look at my username...

8:14 AM  
Blogger Der Bochur said...

Somebody commented on my blog
about this blog.
We are both serving similar purposes.
Thank you for doing this.

9:48 AM  

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