Sunday, February 12, 2006

The End Has Come

Took from me all that I had
Left my soul and spirit dead
Killing everything in me
What is one used to be three

Now to drive away the pain
I'll destroy all I disdain
I'll become what I despise
Living someone else’s lies…

Now obsession rules my mind
This commotion makes me blind
Searching out who ever runs
Or has stolen away my life…

You took my everything
I'll take your dying breath
I can't feel anything
ButI'll live to see you to your death…

Don't ever back down
Don't ever turn around
My end has come
So now I come for you

I'll drive you down
I'll beat you to the ground
My end has come
So now I come for you…

I

The Present:

Once again I would like to thank everyone who has visited this blog and contributed with their own thoughts and ideas. Hopefully something positive can come out of this…

I would like to summarize some of the questions that many bloggers have been asking over the past few days. Being that I don’t know the right answer to these questions I will throw these questions out to the public (if there is an issue that I missed please fill me in):

1. What do you do with an abuser? Do you try to put him in jail, or do you try to sue him – making the case public (which many survivors don’t want)?

2. What about if the abuser is a relative of yours? What if the abuser is one of your parents? What do you do then?

3. If you don’t want to put him in jail or sue him - because you don’t want to make the case public – what do you do to make sure that this person doesn’t abuse others in the future?

4. Is there really something gained by making the abusers name public? Will he abuse again even though people know about him?

5. What role does religion play in this all? Does Halacha have anything to say about these questions? Should a Jewish offender be treated any differently than a non-Jewish offender?

6. What about camps in general – is it a safe place to send our children too? Would you send your child off to a sleep away camp where things like this do happen? How do we protect our children when they away from home?

7. What is the proper way to educate the public about sexual abuse in the Jewish community? Do we send speakers to all schools? Is there such a thing? Are all Rabbis’ aware of the threats, and that there may be an offender davening in his Shul?

II

My abuser is currently a prominent member in his community. He gives a Halacha Shiur to the members of his shul every morning. His rabbi absolutely adores him... I recently confronted my abuser who admitted to me that he did abuse me for 7 years. He also admitted to abusing over 100 other children, and that’s only what he’s admitting too...He is married and has two children...His family now knows about him. His rabbi knows about him too. His community is not yet aware of him being a child predator. ACS – Child Services was contacted and they came to his house to assess if his children were ever abused or if they are at risk for ever being abused. They felt that his children were safe for now. When asked if he would ever abuse his children – my abuser answered that they are still too young for him to have a sexual appetite for them…

A few months ago I had a face-to-face confrontation with my abuser. I let him know how I felt about him and told him about how he ruined my life. He didn’t seem to care too much. A few weeks later my family came with me and we confronted him again, this time as a family. Once again; we as a family, shared our thoughts and feelings about him. The room was packed with so much emotion, yet he hardly even blinked. My mom cursed him out and spit in his face a few times. He just looked at her and let the saliva roll down his face. He never stopped to wipe it off. He just didn’t care.

I want to assure that he never abuses again. I don’t care so much about if he goes to jail or not. His life is unraveling slowly but surely. It bothers me to no end that this man was able to get married and have children. He had some years of happiness – which he is so fond of telling me. When we talked to him about the possibility of him going to jail he responded by saying, “Well, I have had many years of happiness so far. I enjoyed my teenage years and have been enjoying my marriage and children for the past x-amount of years, so it’ll be okay for me if it comes to an end now. Everything ends at some point. You do know that we are going to die at some point. So I guess that my time has come.” How come he had enjoyment in his life and I haven’t enjoyed one day of my life yet? How come he got married and had a family – something I may never have?

III

I met with many other people who were victimized by this man. Strangely enough these people weren’t affected that much by the abuse. They are living productive lives and aren’t haunted by their past. I guess it’s different when you are “his favorite”. In my case it was all part of a “relationship” but for others it was just abuse – no strings attached.

The camp that I attended is very successful today. It is one of the larger camps in the mountains today. I want to use this camp,along with all other camps, to help me with my mission. I want them to be the first camp to be part of the mission to stop sexual abuse. They will have to give lectures to the staff and do whatever else is needed to assure that abuse does not occur again. If this camp cooperates I’m sure all the other will follow…

“It's just the beginning it's not the end
Things will never be the same again”


P.S. If anybody would like to e-mail me and share their stories or their opinions on a personal level you can always e-mail me at angrysoulblogger@yahoo.com

24 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a survivor, and I have to say that I don't agree with you.

Please for the sake of the rest of us, turn the information you have over to law enforcement.

9:22 PM  
Blogger turquoiseblue said...

I have to say that what you are doing is AMAZING!

I am in awe that you are/were actually able to pull all this together and continue to think of ways to make the world a safer place for children that are at risk to be sexually molested by caregivers.

Don't give up... and why NOT find a loving wife who can help you see the beauty in life again? She's definitely out there. Waiting for you to be ready.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AngrySoul:

Your tragic story is spellbinding. I find myself crying as I read and relate to your saga.

Like you I went to camp at age nine. Like you I was targeted by molesters in camp. For some inexplicable reason I did not tell anyone, but I did stop the molesters (I recall two) from going as far as your attacker went with you.

I honestly do not know what these experiences (and unfortunately, a few others; we seem to attract the sickos) did to me. I have difficulty trusting men but get along great with women. I distrust authority figures and fly off the handle at the abuse of religion by them. Related to my experiences or not? I don’t know.

I applaud your bravery in dealing with this the way you are. I believe that you will be fine with time. Unlike most of us, you are facing your demons and staring them down. Keep at it. You will be fine. We are resilient. Most importantly, do it your way at your pace. You owe no one anything.

I am following the saga unfolding on another Blog. In that arena a Yeshiva Rebbi is being accused of molesting children for decades while his boss, the Rosh Yeshiva protected him. The community’s resistance to facing these issues is being exhibited there together with classic intimidation attempts.

I believe that change is in the air. Keep at it and be strong. Your brave baring of your soul is inspiring. Thank you.

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your E-MAil is down I believe.

Where did you learn to write like this?

Not in yeshiva I suppose.

4:29 PM  
Blogger Vicki Polin said...

Hi Angry,
I tried to email you, yet it bounced back. I would be interested in talking to you. Please feel free to give me a call at The Awareness Center, Inc.

443-857-5560

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should put this schmuck away for life and hopefully some inmates in prison will abuse him in the shower like he abused you.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Tzippora said...

Angry Soul
As a member of the world you're coming from, I applaud what you're doing, and your bravery in not keeping silent. There are many incentives for people not to tell, and despite that, you are still able to be concerned about other potential victims.

The velt doesn't have enough people like you.

1:09 AM  
Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

you have no choice but to go all the way and on the way many other abuse stories will come out

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog wrenches my gut.

This is the second time that I feel I need to make a comment on your blog.

As I've said before, I am able to empathize with you.

I have children who attend sleep away camp in the summer.

This causes me much angst.

I'm always thinking about the ramifications of them meeting a predator while I'm home.

This do I say:

If I ever get a whiff of something like this in an establishment with my children (G-d forbid), judgement day will arrive in the form of yours truly.

I was enough of a sacraficial lamb as a kid.

12:29 PM  
Blogger PARKAVE said...

just want to give you some chizuk, i think what you are doing is great, and you deserve tons of credit. I think you mentioned you are in therapy, if not I know of a great therapist, I also know of a great psychiatrist.

feel free to email me at parkave712@yahoo.com

6:08 PM  
Blogger FrumGirl said...

Anonymous, if everyone in camp new why the heck didn't SOMEONE (not necessarily an abused kid but someone else who knew)alert SOMEONE (a parent or law enforcement)??????

That is just as shocking.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Frumgirl,
This is typical.

8:04 PM  
Anonymous just use some logic said...

u critics are so stupid and naive. instead of being practical and willing too listen you just look to ignore and live in your little flatbush world of bliss and convince yourself nothing is wrong. read the damn fckin story. read the vivid explanations of what went on........ do you really think this is made up? the only reason u think that is cuz u dont understand anything about molestation, about the fragile psychee on one who is molested or anything else about it.
Go start reading up on the topic....... go learn everything about it and then come back and give an opinion.
NO! a 9 yr old kid doesnt just run away from a 19 yr boy it doesnt work lke that............ god u stupid ppl make me so sick. Blind, dumb, close minded a$$holes. Pray to g-d nothing ever happens to ure kids, even if they do ull never know cuz u just wouldnt believe it can be possble.
lol u think abuse and all this sh%t only exists in the catholic church and everywehere else in the world except the frum orthodox community in flatbush?? Hello-- wake ppl! just wake the fck up.

12:10 AM  
Blogger RuchniGashmi said...

It is about time I enter this blog with some of my own comments, seeing as if this blog has caused a stir and I have what to say...

12:10 AM  
Anonymous Wondering said...

Hi Angry

I found your site while surfing the net and while I've read a few blogs, none have moved me as much as yours.

I don't personally have any first (or second) hand knowledge about the pysche of a sexually abused child so forgive me if this question seems unsympathetic but I have to ask (and frankly, when I discussed your blog with friends, this always seems to be the first question everyone asks) WHY would you go BACK SEVEN YEARS to the same camp KNOWING you would suffer at the hands of the abuser? Freud and his friends might say in some warped way you wanted the attention?

That just seems too ......

Why?

9:10 AM  
Blogger Saucy Intruders said...

I think the idea of what to do with the camp is a very difficult one, but at the least you should ensure that steps are taken to prevent this - i think that the increase in communication in terms of phone contact, etc with parents on a more frequent basis helps that. Camps have been resistant to that, but the problem is made worse when young kids are so secluded and the camp atmosphere so pervasive - it makes the entire place seem removed from reality and kids are lost. If they talk to their parents or maybe see them more, it might help prevent this.

Also, there needs to be a general awareness of "special relationships", especially since in your case everyone at the camp talked about the guy and would say that he did inappropriate things.

Maybe people who are unmarried and older than the normal camp counselor should be watched carefully if they keep on returning to camp. It seems that it should be a danger sign.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Dealing with the police as a survivor is a very difficult thing. I reported when I was raped, although it took me a long time, and the police treated me like shit and didn't really do anything to my perpetrator. I don't think that he was even ever charged. It is a hard decision whether or not to report, and one that only you can make. No one should judge you.

Part of the reason why this is so difficult is that the problem of sexual violence does not just lie in your perpetrator. He clearly deserves punishment. But, rape culture is everywhere in our society. And sometimes punishing perpetrators (or not doing so and blaming us victims) is a way of maintaining the system of rape culture.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

12:44 PM  
Blogger grumpygirl said...

wondering, are you kidding me? do you think children can make adult decisions like not going back to camp? saying you don't want to go back begs questions why... telling why opens the whole thing wide open.

if you don't get the fear instilled in the abused by their abusers, then you don't get any of this at all.

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to use this camp to help me with my mission

Bad idea. You MUST warn other people and their kids now.

12:01 PM  
Blogger blueenclave said...

Good for you. I am glad people know the truth about this monster.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My sexual and physical abuse started at age 11 but I wasn't raped until I was 17. I complained to my parents and a rabbi. My parents told me they couldn't do anything and the rabbi called me a liar. I complained from age 13 until I was raped. I was terrified of my rapist.

I was terrified every day from age 13. The only place we could shower was the mikvah but bochurim had open sex there. I lived in a dorm for 3 years and the only time I showered was when I went home a few times a year and during the summer when I was at home.

No one ever did anything. When I asked an older bochur at age 14 if he had a choice between having sex with a guy or a girl he said he would have sex with a guy because you are not allowed to have sex with a girl.

I am so thankful this article came out in New York magazine.

2:02 AM  
Blogger Liorah-Lleucu said...

I am happy that you are empowered and have the support that you have.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous rm said...

Angry Soul-- he says that he doesn't mind his life being over now, since he's had some happy times.

Remember-- he's a master manipulator. Even if he is truly psychopathic, there's no way he doesn't mind going to jail/ having his life ruined.

Of course, he's trying to take the satisfaction of this away from you, so he'll never admit to your face that he's probably none too pleased these days.

You don't say if you've sought therapy, but it's helped lots of people through things like this.

Get referrals from people you trust, and don't hesitate to try a different therapist if the first isnt the right match.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i went to this camp for 9 years, last year being me last, and in all the time i was there no one was warned once about sexual predators. last year they gave a little speech and handed out papers, but the staff made it into a joke, my broter tells me that this year it was made fun of in all the plays. i also find it interesting that no one in the camp who i know{most of the camp}ever had any clue about this, or that something like this could or might hAVE possibly happened in this camp.anyway strength to you brother

9:10 AM  

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