Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The World I Know

So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down'
Cause it's the world I know
It's the world I know

I

How does an abuser make sure his victim doesn’t talk? There are oh so many ways. Many abusers threaten the victim with words. The abuser will say something like “if you tell anyone then I am going to hurt you” OR “I will kill you if anybody finds out” OR “I will hurt a family member of yours if our little secret becomes public knowledge” etc…In my case my abuser was more a man of action than a man of words. Without having to utter a word it was made clear to me what the consequences would be if anyone would find out about our special relationship.

I would like to take you all with me on two trips. The first trip will be to New Hampshire. After that we will all go to the beautiful and majestic Niagara Falls.

II

One of the highlights of every summer was the camp trip. Camp would always arrange a two day; two night, trip. These trips were always to go to very fun and exciting places. One year we went to New Hampshire, another year to Niagara Falls, and another year to Lake Placid.

The staff would wake up the campers at about 1 am. All the campers who were half asleep would walk over to the gym and then we would be assigned which bus we were going to be on. Every bus had a Captain. The Captain was a responsible staff member who would be in charge of his bus. When it came to overnight trips and assigning people to buses, two things were for certain. One: my abuser was going to be a Captain of one of the buses. Two: my bunk would be assigned to his bus.

He always had the front seat. He was the man in charge and everybody did what he told them to. He always saved the seat next to him for me. Some people would make fun of me while others were strangely jealous of me. Trust me; there was nothing to be jealous of. He would put me on his lap and tell me that it was okay to fall asleep on him. I did – and the rest is history…You could all guess what happened next.

III

In New Hampshire the highlight of the trip was going mountain climbing. We were told that New Hampshire was known for its big, rocky mountains. The camp climbed up the mountains together. We had a tour guide who told us all about each mountain we climbed and how many feet off the ground it was from where we were standing. My abuser stuck in something about falling off the mountain...“Wow so many feet off the ground! I wonder what would happen if you fell down...it wouldn’t be to pretty!

It was starting to get dark. We were getting toward the end of the tour. The camp was getting ready to turn around and start heading down the mountain and eat supper. My abuser pulled me aside. You know this mountain is one of the tallest mountains on the East Coast. The camp isn’t going to the top because a lot of campers would be scared; because it’s dangerous, and because its starting to get dark, but we can go together. Let’s go.

I did not want to go! Who knows what he had in store for me. I was hoping that maybe one of the staff members would notice that this man was sneaking off with me away from the group. But apparently no one noticed. No one ever notices. So he took me to the top of the mountain and started with his prepared speech again. “We are x-amount of feet off the ground. If you would fall not only would you die but your body would be beyond recognition. No one would ever find you. You wouldn’t ever be buried”…who cares? Why is he telling me this?

We are at the top of the mountain, alone. There is a sign that says…Danger: Do not cross this fence. It was a fence that fenced off the edge of the mountain. If you walked over the fence you were at risk of falling off the mountain. My abuser takes me by my hand and helps me over the fence. He tells me to look down. I look. Holy s***, we are really high up with only rocky mountains and big trees below. And now we don’t even have a fence to protect us.

He grabs my body. Okay, its fine, he’s going to abuse me now. A little weird that he picked here to abuse me but whatever suits his fantasy best. But he doesn’t abuse me. Instead he grabs my 10 year-old body and holds me over the edge of the mountain. Somehow this is funny - because he is laughing. We are on one of the tallest, rockiest, dangerous mountains around. He is holding me over the edge of the mountain as it seems that he is getting ready to drop me…I look down but can’t see the ground. We are too high up. All I see are big trees, branches, rocks, and notice that my body is now off the ground I was standing on previously. Then he (pretends to) slips… “Oh no” he says as he (pretends to) loses grip of me…At the last second he grabs me tight and pulls me to safety…

No words were ever exchanged, but the message was clear. He had the power. Had he chose to do so - he could have thrown me off the mountain and my body would never have been found. This meant to me that if anybody finds out about our relationship, if I God-forbid betray him by telling someone, I’m going to be “thrown off the mountain”.

IV

Niagara Falls was more or less the same idea but it was a few years later. He pulled me aside and once again we walked right passed a no entrance sign. None of the guards stopped us. He told me all about the history of Niagara Falls. He told me about all the people that went down the falls in barrels and how very few survived. He explained to me what would happen to my body if I was thrown into the furious falls. And then he took action. This time he grabbed me by my feet and held me upside down. I was as close as you can be to the falls. I think I was hanging over one of the Minnie-falls that are right next to the big one. As I was hanging, I felt the mist on my face. I was staring at the falls upside down… Ever since I almost drowned when I was a child I was always scared of water… So I wasn’t too thrilled about the situation that I was in now. I actually remember thinking that I rather have been pushed off the mountain in New Hampshire than getting crushed to death by the pressure of the falls…After what seemed like an eternity he picked me up and put me back on solid ground. He took me to a store and bought me a souvenir that said “I survived Niagara Falls”.

17 Comments:

Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

you have to write a book and you have to sue-in th eend he will suicide

6:11 AM  
Blogger SS said...

This is really awful! What a terrible, evil person. It's one thing to say that he couldn't help what he did; he had a compulsion for young boys - and that would be bad enough! But playing these power trip games is really evil. I can't believe that this person went on to get married and have children! And from your previous post, it seems like he has no remorse. I really hope that you are able to heal and move on to have a fulfilling life. I wish you all the best.

7:26 AM  
Blogger PARKAVE said...

hey it really amazing that you have survived this, I think I was in this camp on these trips that you are talking about.

anyways why is everyone going so crazy that on the previous blog a name was mentioned?

if it wasnt the name mentioned then its terrible, but if thats the name of the person, granted i wouldnt go ahead and post it myself, but once its up there should we really feel so bad for someone who has ruined hundreds of lives??
by the way, when i was in camp as a councelor, i was unaware that any of this was going on. not that it means anything

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This man should rot in prison and then burn in hell.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous frustrated soul said...

terrible terrible terrible...... i shiver as i read your story. How vivid the memories are, and how you can recount almost every thought as it happened... this guy deserves no sympathy. and oh yea... all of you doubters just wake the fck up!
pretty funny i just heard a lecture on the whole proof of judaism, with the mountain and all so its so logical you have to believe. All you doubters read these damn fckin stories and try to be logical: Someone writing an ananomous blog, never mentioning names, giving detail counts of stories and emotions, u think no one has better things to do than create and put together some massive detailed lie? just to stir up and make an issue? hello!!!! be fckin practical! just be somewhat logical.
It is also funny I dont know if anyone heard but today two public school teachers were arrested, one for molesting little 10 year old girls and the other for videoing boys in the bath room. As I listened to this I am thinking how blind is our community to think this only exists in the non jewish world, and not in our world. Hate to break it to you all a s ageneral rule when it comes to human desires we are exactly the same as everyone else. We have addicted gamblers in our community, we have theives, we have sexual addicts, we have husbands who sleep around, we have wives who sleep around, we have ppl that do drugs.... and you now what its exactly the same percentage as the rest of the world. But for some reason we think in this one area the jewish community is different and unaffected. go figure.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Bughouse Square said...

Angry,
Did you ever ask yourself why God allowed you to be abused?

What purpose does it all have?

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe i was in this same camp but at a older age & I was wondering if anyone is looking into other ppl that this sicko was "close" to ?

12:17 PM  
Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Your posts are mind boggling.
How can someone be so cruel..and twisted?

The more I read the more I want to expose these bastards.

12:44 PM  
Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

bughouse..
We're all given free-will....just like a murderer can kill someone...Even superceding G-ds plan in the proccess...

2:56 PM  
Anonymous scaredbutnotanonymous said...

Angry
Thank you, and I believe you.

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Prosecutor said...

You should make sure this guy goes to prison for as long as possible and is made to suffer as much as humanly possible. Hell is too good for him. Hopefully some inamtes wil give him a taste of his own medicine when he bends over to pick up the soap.

10:53 PM  
Blogger Vicki Polin said...

Violence is never the answer

11:24 AM  
Blogger A yid said...

Hashem Yerachaim!
This is so terrible. Bad things stay in a person's mind forever, the passage of time pushes them towards the back, but they don't go away completely. I pray that Hashem help you to continue on Ad Meah V'Esrim.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This guy is a sick fuck if all this details are accurate

8:03 PM  
Anonymous SirRantsAlot said...

Sorry Vicki, but sometimes violence is the ONLY answer.

12:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a bit older than you, maybe close to ten years older. It does get better. You will live a normal, productive life. You will enjoy life. It sounds like you're having a very normal reaction and doing a lot of the things you need to do to heal. I admire you for preventing him from harming others. I'm not strong enough to do the same thing, but I've finally come to the realization that I'm a good person and like who I am. The bad things have made me a more compassionate and understanding person. I have to take some comfort in that. It's all the comfort I have. I'm sorry I'm commenting anon, but this isn't something I talk about often. Be well. May you find peace.

-Ava

5:58 PM  
Anonymous Rochel said...

Dearest boy,
There are no words.
but you will heal.
and
WE WILL KNOW PEACE.
XO,
Rochel

2:44 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home