The World I Know

So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down'
Cause it's the world I know
It's the world I know

I

How does an abuser make sure his victim doesn’t talk? There are oh so many ways. Many abusers threaten the victim with words. The abuser will say something like “if you tell anyone then I am going to hurt you” OR “I will kill you if anybody finds out” OR “I will hurt a family member of yours if our little secret becomes public knowledge” etc…In my case my abuser was more a man of action than a man of words. Without having to utter a word it was made clear to me what the consequences would be if anyone would find out about our special relationship.

I would like to take you all with me on two trips. The first trip will be to New Hampshire. After that we will all go to the beautiful and majestic Niagara Falls.

II

One of the highlights of every summer was the camp trip. Camp would always arrange a two day; two night, trip. These trips were always to go to very fun and exciting places. One year we went to New Hampshire, another year to Niagara Falls, and another year to Lake Placid.

The staff would wake up the campers at about 1 am. All the campers who were half asleep would walk over to the gym and then we would be assigned which bus we were going to be on. Every bus had a Captain. The Captain was a responsible staff member who would be in charge of his bus. When it came to overnight trips and assigning people to buses, two things were for certain. One: my abuser was going to be a Captain of one of the buses. Two: my bunk would be assigned to his bus.

He always had the front seat. He was the man in charge and everybody did what he told them to. He always saved the seat next to him for me. Some people would make fun of me while others were strangely jealous of me. Trust me; there was nothing to be jealous of. He would put me on his lap and tell me that it was okay to fall asleep on him. I did – and the rest is history…You could all guess what happened next.

III

In New Hampshire the highlight of the trip was going mountain climbing. We were told that New Hampshire was known for its big, rocky mountains. The camp climbed up the mountains together. We had a tour guide who told us all about each mountain we climbed and how many feet off the ground it was from where we were standing. My abuser stuck in something about falling off the mountain...“Wow so many feet off the ground! I wonder what would happen if you fell down...it wouldn’t be to pretty!

It was starting to get dark. We were getting toward the end of the tour. The camp was getting ready to turn around and start heading down the mountain and eat supper. My abuser pulled me aside. You know this mountain is one of the tallest mountains on the East Coast. The camp isn’t going to the top because a lot of campers would be scared; because it’s dangerous, and because its starting to get dark, but we can go together. Let’s go.

I did not want to go! Who knows what he had in store for me. I was hoping that maybe one of the staff members would notice that this man was sneaking off with me away from the group. But apparently no one noticed. No one ever notices. So he took me to the top of the mountain and started with his prepared speech again. “We are x-amount of feet off the ground. If you would fall not only would you die but your body would be beyond recognition. No one would ever find you. You wouldn’t ever be buried”…who cares? Why is he telling me this?

We are at the top of the mountain, alone. There is a sign that says…Danger: Do not cross this fence. It was a fence that fenced off the edge of the mountain. If you walked over the fence you were at risk of falling off the mountain. My abuser takes me by my hand and helps me over the fence. He tells me to look down. I look. Holy s***, we are really high up with only rocky mountains and big trees below. And now we don’t even have a fence to protect us.

He grabs my body. Okay, its fine, he’s going to abuse me now. A little weird that he picked here to abuse me but whatever suits his fantasy best. But he doesn’t abuse me. Instead he grabs my 10 year-old body and holds me over the edge of the mountain. Somehow this is funny - because he is laughing. We are on one of the tallest, rockiest, dangerous mountains around. He is holding me over the edge of the mountain as it seems that he is getting ready to drop me…I look down but can’t see the ground. We are too high up. All I see are big trees, branches, rocks, and notice that my body is now off the ground I was standing on previously. Then he (pretends to) slips… “Oh no” he says as he (pretends to) loses grip of me…At the last second he grabs me tight and pulls me to safety…

No words were ever exchanged, but the message was clear. He had the power. Had he chose to do so - he could have thrown me off the mountain and my body would never have been found. This meant to me that if anybody finds out about our relationship, if I God-forbid betray him by telling someone, I’m going to be “thrown off the mountain”.

IV

Niagara Falls was more or less the same idea but it was a few years later. He pulled me aside and once again we walked right passed a no entrance sign. None of the guards stopped us. He told me all about the history of Niagara Falls. He told me about all the people that went down the falls in barrels and how very few survived. He explained to me what would happen to my body if I was thrown into the furious falls. And then he took action. This time he grabbed me by my feet and held me upside down. I was as close as you can be to the falls. I think I was hanging over one of the Minnie-falls that are right next to the big one. As I was hanging, I felt the mist on my face. I was staring at the falls upside down… Ever since I almost drowned when I was a child I was always scared of water… So I wasn’t too thrilled about the situation that I was in now. I actually remember thinking that I rather have been pushed off the mountain in New Hampshire than getting crushed to death by the pressure of the falls…After what seemed like an eternity he picked me up and put me back on solid ground. He took me to a store and bought me a souvenir that said “I survived Niagara Falls”.