Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Thank You

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

I must say that I have been truely gratified and moved by the volume and quality of responses by many well meaning people. However, these entries have taken an emotional toll on me and I would like to take some time off to help clear my mind and soul. So I'm going to sign off for a little while.

48 Comments:

Blogger PARKAVE said...

enjoy your vacation, relax, take it easy, and we will be waiting for you to return,when the time is right for you.
see ya.
take care.

2:29 PM  
Blogger turquoiseblue said...

AngrySoul - you have a RIGHT to be an angry soul. Until you feel strong enough to be a Strong Soul.

In the meantime, whether you realize it or not, you are VERY OBVIOUSLY a BRAVE soul.

Besides that you have great writing talent - you explain in words so vividly the horrors that you had to endure... your readers can (almost) feel along with you.

All in all, you seem to have alot of positive things going... talents etc.... try to focus on the all the positive things... and your future iyh. 10 tmes for every one time you think about/flashback to the past...

Meantime, we're all thinking about you.

Hatzlacha!

3:30 PM  
Blogger Vicki Polin said...

Angry,

You are an incredible and gifted writer. It's so important to pace yourself. Going public with your life is an extremely difficult thing to do. Please be careful doing this. Once you make something public, it's public. There is no going back.

There's an article up on The Awareness Center's site that you may find helpful. It was written before there was such a thing called blogging.

http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/questions.html

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Write a book. You're talented, it's cathartic and will help countless others. Who knows, maybe we'll see you on Oprah one day :-) or not, the choice is all yours.

6:23 PM  
Blogger browneyedgirl said...

Angrysoul...reading your blog was heartwrenching. I sat there and cried. I am horrified that so many sickening acts of abuse and molestation were done to you and that NOBODY noticed. It is so frightening. I hope that something positive will come out of your courageousness now. If enough people are made aware and care, maybe real change can happen. Enjoy your blog break... try to find small moments of peace. We are all praying for you and wishing you the best.

7:49 PM  
Blogger GeeWIZ said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now, I have never posted, nonetheless, I read your work every night. I feel your pain. I feel the pain that others are going through, others who are still bottling emotions they are too afraid to uncork. It pains me to think about it. It pains me to think about all the other childen who being taken advantage of. Njoy your vacation. I truly hope you can njoy the simple pleasures of life while you continue to be the brave and strong man you are today. (being that you enjoy music, listen to 3 doors down: Fathers son... )

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have a remarkable gift for writing. I am truly touched and greatly hurt by everything you have written. No words can describe, explain, or reason anything you had experienced. Unfortunately this is a growing problem, hopefully there will be more people that have a similar strength that you are showing, and will be able to advocate and help those children who are suffering today.


If you have a few min, check out 2 songs by Rascel Flatts that I find truly and deeply inspiring - Feels Like Today, and Moving On. Listening to it helps me through hard times.

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your articles and it pains me to know that what happened to you was obvious and that your friends let you down all those years for not seeing through this. I fully understand that your friends were young and naive and such a concept would have never crossed there mind;however, as a friend from the past I feel your pain and cry for what happened and only can wish you whatever your heart desires. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. G-d knows you desereve it.
We must educate our children of all ages about this and not let these issues go sheltered and hidden like the ways of the past.
These problems exist amongst all people of the world and our Religion ( Orthodox Jews )through our schools and camps not addressing sexuality,feelings and emotions enhance many issues that never should have come about. We must open up the minds of our teachers and religious leaders to address this and many other core issues.

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog for the first time, and am in awe. My brother survived sexual abuse as well (but not at the hands of a rabbi...) and I can tell you that the pain and destruction it brought to my family has been insurmountable. Thank you so much for all that you have done and what you are doing...it takes sheer bravery to do this, and is such a mitzvah...Shabbat Shalom and I thank you on behalf of a true survivor.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Hoezentragerin said...

I just found your blog and of course read through every single post and comment.
There isn't much left to say.
You are a hero and way more courageous, honest, and real than most.
I will link and tell my friends about your blog.
may Hashem grant you the inner peace and happiness you so deserve.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blogs and I wish you strength in all your endeavors and perfect healing and happiness in your life. I would like to point out that so many people failed You.It's as if you were a ghost. Where was the head counselor? better yet where was the incompetent,negligent head counselor/s for 7 years? Assistant head?,Division heads? You had counselors each of those summers and not one "noticed" something strange? A Ferrari in camp? taken out for rides on country roads in the middle of night? Isn't that a recipe for death?! A Ferrari missing from the parking lot at night and nobody in authority notices?! Where was the camp director? Cars out at night are usually the definitive camp directors nightmare,unless you're a criminally negligent Camp Director! This Camp stank from the Top down. These people charged and were paid good money for: Number 1)be responsible for your safety. This "Camp Kids are Hefker" had/has an almost too perfect environment that catered/s to sexual predators.G-D KNOWS they got a whiff of what was going on! Please see that All members of the administration of this camp, former and current, are called to the carpet on this crime. I truly believe as you do, that after 120 years your abuser will get the perfect punishment he deserves,(let's hope a little bit now too), but so will everyone listed above unless they come forward and fully cooperate and help you in any way you wish.
I will keep in touch
warm regards

1:22 PM  
Blogger HumanBeforeJewish said...

this may be really selfish of me, and please forgive me because that isnt my intent, but would it hurt you too much to write about how we, as parents and active members in society, can recognize symptoms of abuse? my own children are at the age where they can go to sleep away camp and i would very much appreciate any tips and advice that you can offer.

12:57 PM  
Blogger rebba shlita said...

i for respect for you wont mention names but i have a pretty good idea of who you are and if i am correct that would mean you were my camper for one of those summers.
let me tell you if you are who i think then you were one of my favorite campers ever. you always had a smile and seemed mature beyond your years. yes you hung out with you know who but to my understanding you knew him from outside the camp world. there never seemed to be a problem going on. i also was never your counslour for one of those trips. i hope and pray that you will be ok and my thoughts and prayers are with you. if you do need help with this situation at all feel free to contact me through this blog. this is a very bad situation, and it is not so much that no one does anything, i think it is that especiially years ago somthing that could not be even thought of. again i hope you have a full refuah and should get beack on track to live a full enjoyable life.

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG!! after reading all this, I am crying 4 u. This is so terrible. I'm sure this happens in the frum world just as often in the non jewish world. Yet we try to hide these things and even after u come out with the truth the frum ppl still have so much trouble believing that things like this go on. I hope this guys sits in jail, and will bea registered sex offender. He should live the rest of his life in total shame, humiliation, and absolute mortification. Just like he has caused this pain to you and all the other children he has done this to. I'm sure in due time you will be able to get married and have your own beautiful family.
STAY STRONG!!!! :)

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey I have been directed to this blog by a jewish friend.

I know people that charge 20,000 for an adult Male with familly.

For this asshole and the things he's done to you can probally get a good hit for 7500.

I doubt at that price you would get torture, probally just a done deal.

Good luck. Court system is ridiculous and you will suffer from it. Street justice is calling.

PEace and all that
Christopher

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your entire blog in one sitting and it gave me sleepless nights. You are a powerful and talented writer. I sincerely hope that you find the peace and healing that you deserve. Maybe you will be instrumental in getting this issue out into the open in the Orthodox community so that the next generation will not have to suffer like you did. Be strong, Angry Soul. You are a special person.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog from a friend and read the entire thing. As ridiculous as it may seem to you, im a high school senior and i just became aware of this problem in the community recently. It came up in a jewish history class and the rabbi who teachs it said it happens far more then i can even imagine, when my friend heard my suprise she refured me to your blog for personal proof. I dont really think words can discribe what i feel. I know its true but somehow i cant comprehend that its real. some ppl. commented with angry words about what that man deserves...but im more filled with sadness...how can such a thing occur i ...i dont understand it. HOw can someone come to a point where he would do something, anything like that, i want to cry for the life that you could have had, and guilty for the one ive had.I know im not a survivor and i dont really have a right to say any of this. What do i know about years of abuse? Or even pain for that matter? My sister was almost raped when she was twelve, she never told me, i only found out when me, here nosy little sister snuck up to her room years later and read her diary. this one indirect occurence gives me nightmares, what could she of all people have done to deserve it, and that not a fraction to what you went through. to those of you who question the author of this blogs motives and honesty...how you can even think of a thing like that after youve read his words is beyond me....god, angrysoul i wish you happiness, i wish you healling, im so sorry, i wish there was something i could do, please is there anything i can do to stop this??? If you think of anything please let me know...i want to help

12:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just spoke to someone who is familiar with the camp that you went to, and with the person involved. If its any consolation he told me that this is a person "who we used to think did “not good things” with some kids."

For better or for worse, it seems that some kids noticed.

5:27 PM  
Blogger blackhatisfake said...

Thank you very much for publishiing you experiences you endured through your formative years. While to many this blog is an outsiders view of child molestation and in the frum community this blog has a whole other faction reading your past. The other victims in all other camps who have gone through what you have gone through to a lesser extent. They realize that what happened to them is not the worst possible. This helps them deal with these conditions in their adult life whenever their mental self decides to face their past. I dont talk from an outsider but from someone whom your blog has helped personally.

11:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good yom tov

12:14 AM  
Anonymous highschoolscars said...

as a former high school friend that got abused by the same person as you in high school - thank you for everything. Never a day went by where i didnt think i was a horrible person. I am happily married but still always had issues letting people into my life physically and emotionally. Reading yourblog has helped me understand that i am not the criminal but the victim! I didnt go through nearly as much pain as you did - yet i never would have had the courage to do what you didand are still doing. I can only apoigize for not having a tenth of your strength. If I didnt feel so badly about myself in high school maybe i couldve seen what you were going through too and possibly helped each other. Once again, I am deeply sorry.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Angrysoul,

Hi! I have read through your blog a number of times, and even commented once or twice. I think that your blogsite is extrtemely powerful, and probably helped many people in many different ways.

Like you, I too am a victim of child abuse, (the abuse I suffered was not sexual... just physical and emotional,) and I feel that I have somehow gained immeaurably from reading your blog and "suffering with you" to a certain extent as you relived a select few past horrors.

On behalf of your many loyal readers who are still constantly checking your blog for updates, I would like to beseech you to share with us any developements and decisions made by you and your "team" in determining how to deal with your abuser, and what actions to take against him.

Have you yet to file a law suit against the camp?

Have you filed any charges against the abuser?

Now that the abuser's wife and family know about his past (and present?) have they abandoned him?

Have you been able to sort out any of the issues that you have been dealing with post-trauma?

1:28 AM  
Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

Wow. you need to breathe in...breathe out...breathe in... lol

9:17 PM  
Blogger Jewish Survivors Of Sexual Violence said...

Happy Mother's Day! http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/mothersday.pdf

1:51 AM  
Anonymous pained by your pain said...

I'd really like to hear your reactions to the lawsuits against Rabbi Kolko. Could you see yourself going public like that? Obviously, this is not something to be taken lightly, but the Orthodox world may finally wake up to this serious, horrible problem when it starts to hit where it hurts--in the pocket. When you are ready, please continue posting on your blog. Lots of people out here value what you have to say, and want to know how you've been doing lately.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have read your blog and seen recent unfolding of the YTT story, I think there is a big issue of people being afraid to come out. I know a story of a child telling his mother that he was molested and the mother brushing it off becuase she did not want to face realty. you speaking out, creating this awareness, getting people talking, will save children. maybe even stop the those pervs from thinking they can get away with it. You are doing the work of g-d. The late Lubab rebbe said that g-d owes the jews 'one' for the horror of the WW2. we have the right to demand g-d to repay us (thru redemption). the same applies to you. you have the right to be angy at g-d, the rabbis, the camps and the community at whole. your words will bring this issue to the front lines.

11:41 PM  
Blogger DovBear said...

Sue the camp, and name the counselor. 100 kids! The guy doesn't deserve your protection.

Name the bastard. Name him, so the Jewish community which lamentably failed you can give this creep the punishment he richly deserves.

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Thank you so much said...

AngrySoul, I want to thank you for sharing these disturbing experiences with us. There's little I can add to others' comments, but this is so important for both parents and children to be aware of.

B'koach.

3:31 AM  
Blogger Liorah-Lleucu said...

My heart breaks for you. May healing find you.

Liorah

10:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the suffering you have been through.

The religious community needs educating about this.
The religious community needs to learn how to deal with this.

Your story is so heart-breaking.
Your story will help others.
May you know only happiness from now on.

12:13 PM  
Blogger AMSHINOVER said...

oiy meh he yeh lanu

4:58 PM  
Blogger yeshivaguy said...

My stomach is in knots. I sympathize deeply with you. I have family members who were abused; I wanted to kill the bastard.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What has to be done today is as follows: Camps should announce publicly to the whole camp on the first day and say, if anyone, camper or others gets touched in private areas, they should report it immediately to the authorities in camp!! They must be taught to come forward and not hide it! Plus, the camp should be more watchful on the movements and make sure the campers and couselors are accounted for, and make sure they are accounted for at all times. I mean, a counselor and a child shouldnt be able to dissapear for over an hour without anyone noticing!!

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Prefers to be Anonomous said...

I was touched by a grandfather. He denied it and he and his daughter did all they can to shame and discredit me. He is dead now. I am doing alright. In fact, I forgave him. We all go eventually. And the world never stops for us. We have to make the best we can of life. And slowly, things heals.

Are you married? How are you with your children? Do you have anger/pride issues? These take a very long time to resolve.

8:50 PM  
Anonymous Chazak ViEmatz said...

You are an incredible writer, and this blog is serving a tremendous purpose. Your identity is not a mystery to me, but I had absolutely no idea the extent of the abuse. (in fact i'm very bothered with the comments from "prefers to be anonymous", equating his grandfather touching him to what you went through). In fact this abuse can not be compared to Kolko abuse, it is a completely different league.

In deciding whether your future actions regarding this, realize that until Framowitz went public and sued TT, absolutely nothing was accomplished. Framowitz has done the entire jewish community a great service and we will be a better community for it. However, Framowitz is married with children which makes his decision alot different. I don't think you want to become famous until you have your life all straightened out. Ultimately however, I think that it is very important for TT to go down, as well as your camp. There are plenty of other camps and plenty of Yeshivas. So please think about bringing the camp down in the future, and who knows maybe the camps got a nice fat insurance policy and your costing yourself a lot of money!

Be Strong, move forward with your life, find a good girl, your a great person and you deserve the best life. He tried to destroy you until now, don't let him destroy your whole life - don't let him control you anymore.

As an aside, this blog is worthy of being published as a book, there are so many people who would benefit from this, just imagine how much would be accomplished if this blog was a book that was going around the jewish community.

KEEP WRITING!!

12:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing useful to say, am overwhelmed, but couldn't read your blog without blessing you and me and all of us with the deepest healing from The Deepest Place ... and a blessing that through the pain you can still recognize your soulmate when she gets there.

What you're doing with this blog is very, very important. Thank you.

12:41 AM  
Anonymous samson said...

I have read your story. I'm truly amazed, sickened and saddened at the depravity of your abuser.He is a pathetic excuse for a man. However, he had a choice. He chose to do what he did, every time,and he alone is the one who is fully and completely to blame. You can be angry at G-d, but that's no more appropriate than blaming him for the holocaust and any other tragedy that has occured upon this earth.Bad things, horrible things happen. We don't know why.We don't understand. Why bad things happen to good people has always been the universal question.Job asked it, and Jonah realized he just could not relate to G-d's ways, understanding or reasons and the way He set up the world. So don't be surprised if you can't figure it out either. And don't waste your time.But you certainly can hate the beast who tried to control and break you. G-d will not forget you. He will not forget to give that S.O.B. what he deserves. His time will come. He will pay. But you must persevere and live. Live your life to spite him.Don't let him throw you off that cliff and bury you. You hang on!! Not just to see his justice (which won't truly be complete till he enters the next world, anyway) but to make yourself a life, and a happy one. Focus on the good and what good is yet to come. You can. You will. You will prevail. You will win.

I'll keep reading so I can watch.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Angry Soul --

Thank you for sharing these awful experiences, for sounding the warning that no-one wants to hear.

It has made many people think about how to keep their children safe and you are to be credited with preventing other children from going through what you are going through.

As for you, I can only wish you healing and joy. I hope that someday soon you will be able to enjoy life and live it to its fullest, with a lovely wife and children that will help you put the pain aside, and with an occupation that fills your life with purpose. I will be davening for this with all my heart.

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am embarressed to disclose my identity, but i just want to say that I am sorry for the times I judged you wrongly in my heart. I used to say in my heart what's wrong with this guy? G-d gives him everything, great family, good looks, brains, personality, athleticism, so why does he have such a rough edge? Grow up already you don't have the excuse of being a teenager anymore. Little did I know the hell you went through...

11:52 AM  
Blogger Girl Afraid said...

Angry Soul, thanks for giving me the strength to start keeping a journal of my own. The feeling of lightness you get after writing is amazing. I sometimes vent now for hours on end looking up at the time seeing it's 5:00am. I admire your strength and dealing with things the way you did. I wasn't one of the lucky ones that got help.

3:29 PM  
Blogger the sabra said...

gosh this was a strong post
i have chills and this kinda dazed feeling

i do wish you lots of luck in workin everything out.

4:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am appalled at the story. I am so sorry for what you have to live with.
Not to say that I didn’t believe things like that can’t happen in our community, but not to that extent. I personally, was molested as a 10 year old boy by a friend of mine who was a few years older than I was. At the time I was an innocent boy, knowing that what my friend was doing was wrong but I didn’t know what was going on. All I did was make believe I was still asleep so that I wouldn’t embarrass my friend (he did it three times to the best of my knowledge). Till this day he doesn’t know that I know he took advantage of my innocents. Don’t get me wrong, im not here to tell you I was also abused, it’s a world of a difference. Just letting you know Angrysoul how brave you are for speaking out and telling people about it. I never mentioned a word to anyone because, 1) I thought people wouldn’t believe me since the guy is also a rabbi now and is a very lovable guy. And 2) why would I wait so long now and tell people about him. I was actually in a dilemma numerous times about him, someone asked me information about him for a shidduch (he is still single). I didn’t know if I should try messing up the shidduch or maybe he already did tshuva and its in G-Ds hands and I should do my part and say the normal nice things we all make up about our friends. I gave very plain information, not making him look good nor making him the ogre he really is in my eyes. I am thank G-D happily married but still have a lot of hatred towards this so called friend. I was gonna kick his ^%# when he pulled me in the circle at my wedding to dance with him. I just brushed him away, but in no way does he have a clue that I even think that an angel as himself could do such wrong (should I let him know that I know? Or should I ruin his life without him knowing? Or should I just drop it and hopefully I was his only customer? ). Thank you Angrysoul for letting me feel good about telling my story and im really sorry for what that Satan put you through. I apologize for my not so talented writing skills. You angrysoul are a wonderful and as they say "A page turning author".

1:36 PM  
Blogger TheMistake said...

why dont you write a book. you write well and we all need wake up calls. please think about it.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i must have read your blog a few months ago and didnt want to comment at all on it because what is my comment going to do for you. I can tell you how well you wrote but im sure you dont care about that and seems uve been told enough. I can tell you to be strong and daven that it should pass and hope that your life goes on normally but im sure you have and are doing that. all i can say is whether this blog is exaggerated or not does not matter it happened and the way you wrote it is how you viewed it as a child which has scarred you-- that is all that matters. Whether it was one child he did it to or hundreds all there needs to be is the one child who was effected. Thank you very much for publishing the blog.

11:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did anyone have any experiance with using Ohel's Joan Hertz as a Sexual Abuse counsler

sally

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am amazed at this story, as i imagine some of you know that the abuser in this case names himself in his blog, and i am stunned - i was a camper of the same counselor. i dont remmember any signs of abuse in the bunk, but how many signs does a 11 or 12 year old know to look for. Angrysoul, i feel for you. i am not sure, we might have been bunkmates years ago,with this counselor - i dont know what you are up to now in life, but i hope and pray you are ok.

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would really appreciate the address of the abuser and the name of the shul he has the nerve to attend.
i would like to cut off his balls and feed them to his wife for being an arrogant naive woman.
Then I would like to condemn the entire community who knew about this piece of shit that did and continues to do nothing about it. It sickens me and this is why no one has the right to tell a man or a women not to leave the faith... because they have every right and more.
and justice?? kill him. all the great kings of the past were instructed to bring wrongdoers to justice. we are their army. we can still protect our children if we stop acting like a bunch a pushovers.

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you dont posting? I know its been a long time. No more????

10:55 AM  

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